It started during my 7th pregnancy. This feeling I had never experienced before. I didn’t have a name for it. All I knew was that it scared me. Every evening without fail this feeling would begin and I would start to panic. My first reaction was to call friends. “Help me!” I would say. “I don’t know what is happening to me. I feel fear but I don’t know what the fear is about.”
My life was about to change.
My anxiety got worse to the point that I wasn’t sleeping. My terror got worse and my husband had to take a leave from work. I was no longer capable of running our house and caring for our 6 children. Not once do I remember calling out to God. Sure I have always had a relationship with God but He was not first. He was not my rock. He needed to be my rock.
I was struggling so much with life that I went to emerg. I needed help. I saw a phsychiatrist and he prescribed me pills to help temporarily until I had our baby. I still had my anxiety but it was now manageable.
After giving birth to our son my anxiety heightened. I went back to the psychiatrist and he prescribed me an anti-depressant.
I had 3 days of absolute terror.
The pills were not the right ones for me. During this 3 days of terror was when I fell on my knees and surrendered myself to God.
“2 Corinthians 12:9”
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
In the midst of this struggle I did not understand. I cried out to God to help me. I clung to Him like I never did before. I no longer wanted a back seat faith. I wanted Jesus’s arms wrapped around me.
“Have mercy on me, my God, have mercy on me, for in you I take refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed.”
And I needed those big, strong beautiful wings as my refuge. I needed them.
“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.”
I asked and it was given to me. I did seek and I did find. I knocked and the door was opened for me. I am now coming out on the other side. My anxiety is leaving. I owe it all to God. All of his promises were true. He has taken a passive Christian to one who seeks. One who craves. One who needs. He has stretched and shaped me all while holding me close. God comes first in my life now. Yes, I am taking medication to help with my imbalance for a while but God allowed that to happen. He knew what I needed.
I would like to share how God has shaped me. The most important is how close I am to Him. I finally trust in Him. I trust those wings, those promises. I follow the Lord in all that I do and pray on every decision. I feel safe in Him and want to sit in the front seat now.
This brings me to another amazing positive. I now can help lead my children in Christ. When they cry out I can help them cry out to God. 7 young children will benefit from my struggle.
My husband and I are the closest we have ever been. He held me at my worst. He encouraged me and never left my side. I thank Jesus for this incredible man and for opening my eyes to the gift that has been given me.
I have never been in the here and now. My whole life I was looking to the next. The next exciting moment. Marriage. Having a baby. Moving. Having a baby. Moving. Having a baby…. Fostering/Adoption. I was never content where I was. I was missing something. I always knew this but I continued to rush ahead with the next new thing. I am now here. I am seeing God’s beauty around me. Washing my 6 year old’s face slowly and looking at the beautiful features on her face. Wild flowers on the side of the road. A door held open. All of these special moments that I was looking past. I notice them now and I feel joy. I feel thankful. I am focusing on what is good and pure. Surrounding myself with positivity and what a beautiful feeling it is!
“Philippians 4:8” “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.”
What we need in life is all right there in scripture! How blessed are we?
I reached out and so many people were there. God sent food. God sent scripture. God sent friends with bowed heads in prayer for me. God sent flowers and encouragement. All because I asked for help. Thank you, God for sending all of those special people in my time of need.
I feel very strongly (which I now know is God’s voice speaking into me) that I need to help others with anxiety. There are many people who suffer in silence. You don’t need to. Until I struggled I had never heard of anyone with anxiety. That was why I didn’t know what was happening to me. Now that I am speaking to others I have met dozens of people with the same struggle. God is calling me to speak out about my anxiety and in turn help others. God is using my hands and I will listen and follow His lead. I have learned to trust that He knows best and I give my all to Him.
I would like to close with a couple of scriptures that has helped/is helping me through.
“Psalm 34:4” “I sought the Lord, and he answered me; He delivered me from all of my fears.”
“Psalm 34:19” “The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.”
“Philippians 4:6” “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”
On my bedroom door I have a little wooden sign made by a friend. It says Be Still. Many, many times I have looked at that sign and felt Jesus saying, “Be Still. I am here. I’ve got this. You are safe. Rest in me.” Lord, I give my all. I give myself. I am still.
Neely is a homeschooling mom of 7 children who are the lights of her life. She has been married to her amazing husband for 16 years. Their family has been called to foster children who need a loving home.
Her interests include watching her children have fun, reading and growing in her relationship with God.